Welcome to the dystopian soap opera of modern times. Travel to space with Lauren Sanchez and Katy Perry, let the waters close over you as Bear Grylls baptises Russell Brand in the Thames, and experience the full body impact of the Gwyneth Paltrow ski massacre trial. Truly, these are times that make you want to put your hands over your eyes, even when your hands are already over your eyes. The only thing to do is read Marina Hyde's Guardian columns and howl with laughter.